The list of what we are not supposed to say as parents seems to be getting longer— first we were told we could not say “good job,” then “be careful” became off-limits. [For the record, I don’t think there is anything wrong with “good job” or “be careful”— except that these phrases are perhaps not specific enough to communicate most efficiently with your children.] Now the phrase “hurry up” has been effectively cancelled.
The recent controversy over “hurry up” seems to stem from a post that went viral on Instagram claiming that the #1 cause of anxiety in children is parents rushing them. But almost any parent who has young children that go to school or participate in literally any activity that happens at a certain time has probably tried to rush or hurry their child out the door. So is this a real concern or just another way to make parents feel guilty about very normal behavior?
Because I am not one to let parent-shaming happen without at least challenging the source of the claims, I asked the psychologist who made these bold statements whether she could please send me a link to the research to which she was referring. She sent me this article, which claims that hurried child syndrome leads to stress and depression but does not cite any actual research but only cites other articles on hurried child syndrome that are also not based in any actual research. Furthermore, hurried child syndrome, as described in this article, seems to be a different and broader concept than simply rushing a child to get out the door.
What is Hurried Child Syndrome?
So where did this concept come from if it isn’t based in research? Psychologist Dr. David Elkins coined the term “hurried child syndrome” in his book, The Hurried Child, which was originally published in 1981. According to Dr. Elkin, hurried child syndrome is when a child is pushed to grow up “too fast,” such as when a child is over-scheduled with extracurricular activities, pressured to achieve or expected to act older than they are. However, hurried child syndrome is not an official diagnosis used by mental health professionals and it seems to be a more theoretical concept.
But Does Saying “Hurry Up” Actually Cause Anxiety?
So hurried child syndrome seems to be a different concept than simply telling your child to “hurry up” occasionally, but you may still be wondering whether rushing causes anxiety in children. It seems possible that regularly rushing children may cause stress that then leads to more chronic anxiety. However, we currently have no evidence that saying “hurry up” or rushing a child causes anxiety or any negative outcomes. Research suggests that anxiety disorders in children are caused by both genetic and environmental factors (translation: both nature and nurture) and it is unlikely that one factor alone would cause an anxiety disorder. Some research has linked parents being overly controlling to anxiety in children. This might look like not allowing your child to make any choices during the getting ready process, not permitting them to have any control whatsoever over their schedule, or doing everything for your child. Yet, asking your child to hurry or rush doesn’t seem to be overly controlling or intrusive. More broadly, research finds that parenting only accounts for 4% of the variance in child anxiety, suggesting that your parenting decisions alone are unlikely to cause an anxiety disorder in your children.
Overall Translation
We have no evidence that hurried child syndrome is a real concern for parents or that asking your child to “hurry up” causes anxiety. However, telling your child to “hurry up” may not be most effective strategy because it isn’t informative and doesn’t teach any skills. In addition, rushing may cause more immediate stress for both you and your child.
So what can you do when you feel the need to say “hurry up”?
Be more specific. There is nothing inherently wrong with saying “hurry up” or rushing your child. However, it does not provide them with information as to what they should be doing. Although it may seem obvious to us as adults, it isn’t always obvious to kids. For example, instead of “hurry up,” you could say “walk to the car please.” One of my colleagues, The Mom Psychologist, recommends that parents give one or two words to tell kids what they need to do such as “shoes” or “breakfast” and I agree that limiting the language can be very helpful for overwhelmed parents and children in these situations
Help your children to develop time management skills. Give children a sense of time through timers (visual timers such as the Time Timer can be particularly useful), songs, or other concrete ways of explaining length of time. One of our goals as parents is to teach children to ultimately manage their own time.
Allow more than enough time. Everything with kids takes longer than you think and a lot of our time pressure is self-induced because we do not allow enough time (and trust me when I say that I know how hard this is— I am guilty of this at least once per day). Instead, aim to be ready 15 minutes before you have to leave, so when the inevitable diaper blowout or missing shoes happen, you won’t stress about being late!
Let them face natural consequences of being late. This isn’t always possible but try to let your children face the natural consequences of being late whenever you can. Of course you would not want to let your child arrive late for school every day but if you are going somewhere that your child is motivated to arrive on time, such as a birthday party or a movie, allow them to face the natural consequences of being late which might mean they miss some or all of the event. Of course, it is only fair to give them a warning (such as, “I’m going to set a timer for 5 minutes and if we don’t leave before the timer goes off, you will miss some of the movie.”)
Manage your own anxiety when you are running late. Running late is a common trigger for anxiety in parents and it makes sense because there are real implications for being late as an adult. If you arrived late everyday for work, you would probably lose your job, or at least the respect of your co-workers. Your rising anxiety may be compounded by children who are moving unimaginably slow. However, as you might know from experience, being anxious yourself or losing your cool will only make the situation worse. Stay calm by using coping skills such as deep breathing and self-talk (such as telling yourself “this is not an emergency” or “this isn’t worth losing my peace over”).
Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of Parenting Translator, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.
Telling a child to “hurry up” is not the same as having a “hurried child.” Cara Goodwin debunks some misunderstandings and shares better ways to communicate with a child. MindShift
