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Most days being a parent can feel like the most thankless job in the world. You are working tirelessly and pouring our heart and soul into giving your children everything, yet it is rare to even get a “thanks,” much less a heartfelt acknowledgement of everything you have done for your children. Of course, it would be nice to hear “thank you” every once in a while, but does experiencing gratitude from those you love really matter?
Previous research has found that hearing “thank you” or any expression of gratitude may be important for relationship quality between romantic partners, but what about the relationship between parent and child or what about the relationship quality between two partners who are also parents? A study recently published in The Journal of Positive Psychology addressed this question by examining whether hearing “thank you” was linked to any positive outcomes such as improved relationships, less parenting stress or better psychological well-being.
Study details
This study included 593 parents of children from ages 4 to 17 years. All parents in this study were married or in a romantic relationship. The parents filled out a questionnaire about whether their family members expressed gratitude to them, that is the extent to which their partner or children expressed appreciation and acknowledgment of the work they did for the family. The researchers also asked about their relationships with their partner, their level of parenting stress and whether they had any symptoms of psychological distress (translation: feeling nervous, hopeless, or depressed). The researchers divided children into a younger group (4 to 12 years) and an older group (13 to 17 years) to examine whether the age of the children had any impact.
Main findings
The researchers found the following:
Gratitude from children (both older and younger) is linked to lower parenting stress. This seems to be particularly true for gratitude from older children.
Gratitude from romantic partners and older children is linked to lower levels of psychological distress. This means that gratitude from your family members is linked to a lower likelihood of feeling nervous, hopeless, or depressed.
Gratitude from a romantic partner or spouse is linked to better relationship quality, but not lower parenting stress. This backs up previous research and extends it to relationships in the context of parenting.
Mothers feel less appreciated than fathers. Mothers reported lower levels of gratitude from partners and older children.
Gratitude may matter more for mothers than fathers. Gratitude seemed to have a greater positive impact for mothers than fathers.
Overall translation
The takeaway message here is that it really does matter whether you hear “thank you” as a parent. Feeling like your children and partner are grateful for all of the work that you do is linked to improved relationship quality, lower parenting stress and a lower risk for psychological distress. There seem to be unique benefits for feeling gratitude from your partner versus your children, so it may be important to receive gratitude from both. In terms of gratitude from your children, it seems to be more meaningful when it comes from older, teenage children. This may be because older children can articulate gratitude more sincerely and specifically than younger children. Finally, gratitude may be harder-won and more meaningful for mothers than fathers. Research finds that mothers take on about twice as much household labor as fathers on average, so it makes sense that they would expect gratitude more and appreciate it more when they receive it.
Of course, there are limitations of this study that make further research necessary. It was a relatively small correlational study (meaning that we do not know if gratitude actually causes positive outcomes or is simply linked to them). It was also based on self-report of gratitude, and future research should examine whether perceived gratitude actually reflects expressed gratitude.
You are likely thinking “Okay this is nice but how do I get my child or partner to actually express gratitude!?” Of course you could send this study to them but if that feels too passive-aggressive for you, here are some additional ways to promote gratitude in your family:
Help your children notice what others do for them. Children are often blissfully unaware of all of the work that goes into making their lives run smoothly. Start pointing out everything that others do for your children whenever possible. For example, explain what their teacher might have to do before they even arrive at school in the morning, remind them that someone will have to clean up the table after you leave a restaurant, or involve them in everything that goes into making a meal for them from planning to grocery shopping to cooking to cleaning up.
Remind your child to thank their other parent. If you have a parenting partner, prompt your child to show gratitude. You don’t have to “force” them to say thank you but you could simply remind them of the effort of the other parent. For example, “That was really nice that daddy took you to the playground this morning. He knows how much you love the playground and wanted to do something special for you.” If you are a single parent, talk to a friend about doing this for each other.
Model gratitude. Frequently and sincerely express gratitude to your children, your partner and other people in your life. You can thank them for what they do for you but also anything they do for others or that has a positive impact, such as thanking your child for being kind to their sibling.
Tell your partner and children how much it means to you when they express gratitude. Do not feel bad about asking for more gratitude! You can also explain how to express gratitude in a way that is most meaningful to you (for example, do you like a simple “thank you” or would you prefer that they are more specific?). When they do express gratitude, make sure you tell them how happy or proud it makes you feel and that it means a lot to you.
Make an agreement with your spouse to acknowledge each other’s efforts and express gratitude at regular intervals. It is easy to forget to thank your parenting partner but this research really underscores how important it is. Try to make thanking each other and expressing gratitude more of an everyday habit.
Teach your children about gratitude. Teach your children how it makes others feel when they express gratitude and teach them different ways to express gratitude above and beyond simply saying thank you (such as saying “I am so grateful” or “That meant a lot to me” or even writing a letter).
Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of Parenting Translator, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.
Feeling like your children and partner are grateful for all of the work that you do is linked to improved relationship quality, lower parenting stress and a lower risk for psychological distress. MindShift
