For many teachers, building relationships is a priority in the classroom – they put in time and effort to incorporate strategies into lesson plans and daily routines to forge bonds with their students.
But what happens when there’s a breakdown in communication or a relationship degrades over time due to conflict or disagreements?
Developing a relationship is one skill; repairing that relationship when it becomes fractured is another, according to author and high school history teacher Dave Stuart. He says teachers will inevitably need to fix a relationship with a student, and developing the skills to do that is essential.
“I don’t think enough teachers understand that you will, unintentionally, despite your best efforts, cause relational damage,” he said. “The reality is that you’re going to cause offense, even if you don’t mean to, and so … you gotta get good at trying to identify when that happens and do something about it.”
Stuart wrote the book “The Will to Learn: How to Cultivate Student Motivation without Losing Your Own,” which delves into ways of instilling self-motivation in students, and at the root of that motivation is good relationships in the classroom. Since learning is hard enough, he wants to remove relational friction from that equation, likening relationship repair to weeding in the garden.
“You know weeds are going to grow in a garden, so you just need to be aware of that if you want to have a good garden, and regularly scan for weeds and pull them out where they exist,” he said.
Repair comes down to three simple steps.
Be aware of when repair is necessary
When a student’s affect changes, it can often be the first sign of a fractured relationship, according to Stuart. Some examples are if a student who was typically outgoing with you has become more withdrawn, or a student who often greeted you at the start of class no longer does.
Teachers must be aware of and notice changes in their student’s demeanor or emotional state.
Address it directly and talk to the student
The next step is to address the potential conflict by talking to the student directly, according to Stuart.
The student can be pulled aside briefly in the hallway or during independent work, he suggests. The teacher can point out the change in the student and ask, “Is there anything going on that I should be aware of?” and “Have I done anything that resulted in this change?”
Acknowledging there might be an issue can help in repairing the relationship.
“Just bringing this up is … the lion’s share of working towards repair,” said Stuart. “I find that in many cases, addressing the change and asking if I’ve done anything will help.”
Take accountability and talk about what you can do better next time
The third step is for teachers to acknowledge if they have done something to cause the damage.
“Teachers, we’re not perfect,” Stuart said.
Be self-aware and reflect on whether something was said too harshly or said in a way that caused embarrassment. According to Stuart, it sounds like, “Yesterday, I corrected that task behavior I saw you doing, but I just don’t feel good about the way I did that, and I want to say that I’m sorry.”
Stuart says these three steps require minimal work and can result in a more enjoyable learning environment for both the teacher and the student.
“I’m never trying to be … best friends or be the best teacher ever to my students, but I’m just trying to facilitate an enjoyable, productive experience,” he said.
Establish-Maintain-Restore
Clay Cook says most educators believe in the power of relationships, but traditionally, schools don’t have a common language or dedicated practices for cultivating those connections intentionally.
This led Cook to design a school-based support called “establish-maintain-restore” (EMR), a framework and practice educators can adopt and implement in the classroom. Cook is the chief development officer with Character Strong, an organization training teachers in EMR, which promotes healthy relationships through establishing connections, maintaining those connections and restoring the connection if there’s been damage.
Science indicates that any relationship — whether it’s a couple, one with an employer, or a teacher and their students — often gets worse over time, especially when the parties involved are not working to maintain that relationship, said Cook.
“Misunderstanding, conflict, disagreements … those things can harm a relationship,” said Cook. “And because of that, there’s a need to be intentional on the back end to be able to fix and repair that.”
According to Cook, the EMR method encourages teachers to engage in intentional relationship reflection. Teachers fill out reflection forms to determine which students are in “establish,” meaning the relationship still needs to be formed. Students in “maintain” means a relationship exists but needs to be fostered. And those in “restore” means the teacher needs to repair relationships with those students.
Cook says these four skillful communication techniques can help during the repair conversation:
Letting Go
Young people often think adults hold grudges after doing something and that those things are held against them, he said.
“And when you look, a lot of adults do hold on to what students have said or done in their environment, and they aren’t letting it go,” said Cook.
He said the letting go conversation needs to be authentic and genuine for the student to believe what you are saying.
Taking ownership
Young people respond well when adults take ownership, said Cook. Teachers who admit their part in causing the conflict or disagreement show that “they’re not in a soapbox, that it takes two people for any interaction.”
He said it’s not about taking sole blame or placing blame on one person versus another.
Win-win
Cook said it’s also important to collaborate on how to improve the relationship during repair.
“We’re… going to say, ‘Hey, whatever happened, it didn’t work for either side. I think we can put our brains together and come up with a way in which we don’t repeat [this conflict] in the future,’” he said.
This way, the student can share their feelings and ideas on how to move forward and be part of the solution. Teachers can also follow up with their perspectives and offer solutions.
Separating the deed from the doer
Cook says many young people think that adults don’t care for them or define who they are by their behavior.
In separating “the deed” from “the doer,” the teacher is letting the students know that they have intrinsic value and redeemable qualities and that their behavior does not define who they are.
“We’re going to still hold students accountable for the behavior, but we don’t want the student to lose sight of … who they are,” Cook said. He added, in education, it’s not just about forging bonds with one another, but also about the quality of those connections.
“I think educators who work towards identifying those concrete practices and then figuring out how … we fit them in based on the time we interface with students are going to see the [positive] outcomes,” said Cook.
Great teachers are always developing ways to build relationships with their students. But what can they do if those relationships break down? MindShift
